Dear Diary & Videos

  • Natalie Bonkowski

I got caught!

Updated: Jul 27


It went something like this….


Daughter: What are you eating? (I was alone in the kitchen.)

Me: Some icing.

Daughter: You know that’s not good for you.

Me: I know. (I was reading the label as she walked in. I was in a moment, asking myself…what was I doing?)

Daughter: Do you even care about your body?

Brother calls her from the next room and she runs out before I can answer.



The Tub of Icing


We have a new rule at home that we implemented a few months ago. If you are going to eat junk or something processed/high carb, then eat a protein with it. So, when they eat convenient store food for breakfast… Yes, sometimes we occasionally go to the convenient store for breakfast during the summer break. Stop judging. The kids get candy plus jerky. This still isn’t the best option, but it’s better than before. They are still getting some candy but less of it and their insulin spike is reduced.


Let’s get back to the mother/daughter conversation. There are several things to analyze about this conversation. Let’s address each one.


First, what was I doing with a tub of chocolate anyway? Yeah, about that. There was a tub of chocolate left over from my husband’s birthday. We baked a cake and let it cool. While it was cooling, the dog got on the counter, because he is a ninja, and ate part of the cake. Therefore, we had no cake for the icing. Before you worry, we did have cake. The hubby’s sister picked up a monster truck chocolate chip cookie cake for his birthday. But back to my icing. See, I’m avoiding the question. LOL.


This tub of icing sat in my pantry for a few weeks. Every time I opened the pantry I saw it. It was front and center. Why? Don’t know. That’s just where it ended up. That icing haunted me every day. I craved that icing. Then one night, we were all home, I was restless. I knew I needed to get stuff done, but I was bored, but it was too late to really get anything accomplished, and I was just feeling “blah.” And the icing ended up in my hand.


I debated to eat some of the icing. I knew once the lid was “open” and I had my fill, then it would sit in my fridge wanting to be finished and emptied. Or maybe I should say, I would want to finish and empty it! I gave in and chose the sugary yummy icing. My brain was happy. Pleasure in food, happiness in sugar, life is fantastic. FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES! Then I questioned, what the heck was I doing?


The second issue with all of this, is getting caught by my daughter. First, I am very happy she recognized my poor food choice (junk without the protein.) Another side note-I try not to refer to any food as “bad.” “Bad” food is what caused me to have a terrible relationship with ALL food for a long time.


I was not hiding from anyone as I was eating, but in that moment, when she questioned me, I felt guilty. Sometimes things happen for a reason. I needed to be questioned, by someone other than myself, to make me think a little more about what I was doing. I think God had a hand in this one.


See, I have been praying that God will help me to rely on him instead of food in times of boredom, pain, discomfort, restlessness, sadness, and all the emotions that make me turn to food. Habits are hard to change. Remembering I have alternatives instead of diving into food is something I work on every single day. When I was asked, “Do you even care about your body,” it was a splash of water to the face. Really, Natalie? God is there. He will help you. Just ask.


Finally, getting caught with icing was not something I wanted to blog about. I am supposed to be a health coach. How does a health coach eat icing out of a tub? (with a spoon) Why does a health coach eat icing out of a tub? (because her dog is a ninja)Ha-Ha


No, really. My journey is my journey. My eating, my health, my thoughts are all WAY better than they used to be! I know this is a process. This is real. This is life. I fought food for a long time. I am not just going to flip a switch one day and say “Ok, now I’m healthy and will never ever eat sugar again.” This is a process. I will have good days, great day, bad days, and horrible days. But I am making progress! Small steps in the right direction will reap great rewards!


BTW – My icing container stated this…“Partially Produced with Genetic Engineering.” Really? That made me feel guilty. The food we put in our body should not have the word “engineering” in it? I would have been better off just eating spoonfuls of sugar.


Disclaimer: Eating icing is ok at the right time in the right eating plan for the right person. Me eating icing by itself and using it as a way to change my feelings…was not the best decision.


#balanceandbabysteps

#onedayatatime

#sugar

About Me

After 20 years of dieting, frustration, self-confidence and body image issues, I found myself as a contestant in a transformation contest. I stepped on stage in a bikini and dark tan and won 5th place. Walked off stage, started eating, and gained 50 pounds in a year. I felt so defeated, lost, miserable, and out of control.  

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Matthew 17:20

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

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