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Dear Diary & Videos

I've been using again...

Updated: Jul 27, 2020

Dear Diary:

I’ve been using again…using food that is. The last few weeks have been rough. It’s sad how delicate our mental state can be. I slacked a little on my Bible reading and journaling and all these negative feelings come in and take away the positive and goodness that I had been feeling.

I start to feel a little disappointed that I'm still at the same job for almost 18 years. That builds to why haven’t my side businesses done better. That builds to I’m a failure. That builds to I’m a failure in not only business, but parenting. That builds and builds. Every negative thought about myself and life surface. I can’t breathe. I cry every day. I eat whatever I can find that will make me feel good. My hope is gone, and life is doom and gloom.

(Side note: All those thoughts are lies. The feelings are valid. Our feelings are always valid. Never tell someone, "Oh, it's ok. It'll be fine." You have no clue what's going on in their mind. Have compassion and sympathy. Our struggles are all different. But each person's feelings are valid.

Now, the thoughts I had of myself are not true. They are not facts, lies fabricated by myself. I know deep down these things aren't true. I know I'm not a failure. But getting caught up in the cycle, in that moment it's hard to tell what's true and what isn't.)

It took a few weeks for those feelings to build to the point I was crying every day. After a few days of crying, I knew I had to get control of what was going on. Listen, I read motivational stuff all day long. I am constantly filling myself with positive books, blogs, the Bible, quotes, videos, you name it. I learned a few things a few years ago.

1. My feelings are valid, no matter how outrageous they may seem.

2. My feelings are controlled with my mind.

3. It all boils down to my outlook, thoughts about myself, and hopes about the future.

If I stay positive and think about the good possibilities, I don’t have the problems above. If I continue to focus on Jesus and know deep in my heart that he will truly take care of me and my family, then I don’t cry uncontrollably. I must stand on God’s word. If I trust that God’s got it, then he’s got it. My stress, anxiety, and depression subside.

Isaiah 46:4New Living Translation (NLT)

4 I will be your God throughout your lifetime— until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.

But when I focus on the negative, the bad, and don’t see a way out, I feel stuck. Stuck feelings bring the tears, the feelings of failures, and the continued sadness. If I just repeat it over and over, the bad, the ugly, the hurt…I stay on that negative spiral.

I have always had issues with taking care of things myself. I don’t like to depend on other people (which I should-that’s another post). I want to be the one to get everything done without help. I have some control issues. (Ask my husband. Ha!) The flaw in this is many times I forget to trust on Jesus, my Savior. I forget he’s the one that can bring me out of my problems. Way too often, I try to bring myself out or change my situation. But God just wants me to listen to him. His way is the best way.

Proverbs 3:5-6New Living Translation (NLT)

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. 6 Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

Each day I pray, “your will, not mine”. But maybe I say it too much that I stopped believing it. It has become a habit, something I say. It truly is what I want, his way. But I must stop my way, so he can do his way.

Listen friends, no matter how strong your faith, there are going to be tough times. There are going to be times your faith may weaken. But today, I am reminding you (and me) to put complete trust in God that everything will work out. That he will open doors you should walk in and close doors you should not. That he will help you through your everyday struggles. That you will find the good, when things get bad. That you will not get to the point that you can’t breathe, feel stuck, or cry uncontrollably. (or use food!)

I don’t know why the past few weeks were as bad as they were for me. But I have a feeling, God allowed it to go as it did, for my eyes to be opened. For me to see, that I wasn’t listening to him and his plan. I was trying to control it all on my own.

Grouchy & Sad - That's what I was for a few weeks. (Pic courtesy of my kid trying on masks in the store.)


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