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  • Natalie Bonkowski

A Whole Year Later...Painful, But Purposeful

Updated: Jul 27

Goodness! I just logged onto my Wix account (this website.) I haven't posted anything in a year! A whole year! Where have I been? Oh my!

This past year was one of the hardest, most difficult parts of my journey in this life so far. Some things I can't even explain why or how I dealt.

My Mom had a massive stroke last March. She survived and is doing great. God has more work for her to do on this ol' planet Earth. He has plans.

My Mom's stroke was a difficult time for our family. Mom was in ICU for three weeks followed by two rehab hospitals before she made it home three months later. My sister, Mom, and I are best friends. This difficult time was just that...extremely difficult.

I experienced all kinds of emotions, difficult situations, and problems I can't even get in to here. I had emotions of pain, hurt, numbness, sadness, and things that made me shut down emotionally. Feelings that made me never want to coach or think positive again.

I questioned God. I know I am not supposed to. I questioned life. I questioned purpose. It was a difficult year.

A year later, as the storm has settled, I have cleaned my lenses and can see a little more clearly. I can see that all the things God allowed to happen in my life over the past year, and they were purposeful. Painful, but purposeful.

When the stroke first happened, my faith was strong. I had been reading my Bible consistently and really trying to let God lead me. When my Mom was in ICU, in a coma, I knew she was going to be ok. I knew that whatever God had in store was good.

But day after day of hospital rooms and NOT reading my Bible, I let the following months and impossible situations manifest in my heart. I let the fear and pain dwell in my soul. I knew my Jesus was still alive and well....but I chose to let fear and uncertainty win. I quit focusing on the One that could fix everything.

A year later and I am back to reading my Bible. Back to focusing on what is good. Trying to keep the faith over the fear. Trying to remember God is in control. He is in control of everything big or small.

My goal is to focus on Him and pray that I don't forget to turn my eyes only on Him. That I will trust Him, not me. He is the answer.

This blog entry was a post to say, "I'm back." Back to posting the positive stuff. Back to coaching and doing the work that I feel called to do. Back to letting Jesus take the wheel.

I'll try my best to keep it up! I pray that God puts the good stuff in front of me to share. That he gives me the words we need to hear. I pray that sharing my life, (which is hard for me), that I'll say something that will help someone, somewhere.

About Me

After 20 years of dieting, frustration, self-confidence and body image issues, I found myself as a contestant in a transformation contest. I stepped on stage in a bikini and dark tan and won 5th place. Walked off stage, started eating, and gained 50 pounds in a year. I felt so defeated, lost, miserable, and out of control.  

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Matthew 17:20

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

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