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Dear Diary & Videos

A Cold, Numb Heart

Updated: Jul 21, 2020

My heart had turned cold, numb, and was missing a sense of feeling. It took a few years for the numbness to take over. I knew it was happening, I felt it. I felt me becoming someone I did not want to be. Someone that was not me.

It was a combination of a feeling of loss of control over my life as well as feeling stuck. My body had to protect myself from these feelings and it knew how. Freeze my heart. That was the answer. That would protect my feelings. Just numb them.

Then a year of hurt and pain that I cannot even begin to express was the icing on the cake. This was the final straw to break my heart. My heart had lost all feeling. I did not want to care anymore.

My numb heart was affecting my health. I started to gain weight again. I lost interest in exercise. I used food to numb my heart on the extra hard days.

Our ultimate purpose here on earth is to do God’s work. I knew my heart was in no shape to do his work. How could I help others when my heart was numb? A numb heart does not have the passion that God gave us when he created us.

Then there was the night of the storm. We knew a cold front was coming and the weatherman predicted 60 mph winds. We secured the outdoor lawn furniture, grill, and basketball net. We went to bed knowing a storm was coming, but we were ready.

The storm blew in around 2:00 am. I heard the winds howling and rattling my windows. As I laid in bed listening to the whipping winds, my mind raced, “Are we prepared for this storm?”

The longer I listened, a thought popped in my head. This question came to mind, “Is your heart ready to do My work?” Ok Lord, you are talking to me. Well, no my heart is obviously not ready. It is numb. It is cold. And it does not want to feel…feelings.

These thoughts kept me awake for a while. When I have these types of feelings in the middle of the night, I know I should get up and write in my journal. But this night I did not. I laid there thinking.

Over the next week, I continue to think on this. My heart is not ready. When will my heart be ready? What do I need to do to get my heart ready?

For the last three years, I have prayed every day that God will use me for his plan and purpose. I have prayed that he will show me His plan for my life. I want to stop my plans and follow his. I have waited for God to answer this prayer. I still wait, in his time.

A week after my middle of the night awakening, this scripture shows up in my feed on Facebook.

“And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.” Ezekiel 36:26

He is there. He is always there. He knows my heart. He knows my mind. He knows! He knows! He will give me a tender, responsive heart! That is exactly what I need!

This was life changing for me. Over the next few weeks, I listened. I began to feel again. My eyes shed tears, tears of joy, tears of feeling. It was not pain. Whether sad or happy, I was feeling.

I felt the joy of caring for my children, rather than the “work” they create for me.

I felt love as I looked in my husband’s eyes or touched his hand, rather than the feeling of there is no time for you.

I felt happiness as I cared for my disabled mother, instead of worry of all the other things I need to do.

I felt thankfulness as I worked for my job, rather than why do I have to do this?

I made time to walk for my heart, instead of excuses, and it felt so good.

I woke up early to get more things done, and my day was better.

My pantry doors stayed shut and I did not use food for comfort. I embraced my feelings no matter what they were, and I felt.

Feeling your feelings can be scary. We are meant to feel. Whatever you are feeling is ok. It is ok to feel. Others should never judge you for feeling what you feel. Feeling means you are not suffering from a numb heart. Be thankful for your feelings.

Sometimes those feelings need to be worked through.

Two years ago, I read a book about feelings. I learned that we use food and alcohol to numb our feelings.

The problem with this is that once you use food or alcohol to numb bad feelings, you create habits. These habits numb the good feelings too. Our bodies cannot differentiate between numbing only certain feelings. It is not possible.

I learned that using these things is not the answer. I quit drinking for the last two years as an experiment. I wanted to remove all things that cause me to numb my feelings. I learned that alcohol is not a numbing agent for me, but only a social thing. Food, however, has always been one of my biggest numbing agents. Food is obviously something I cannot give up long term. It will be a lifelong battle to keep my heart in check and keep from falling into old habits.

There is still so much work to be done in my heart, mind, and overcoming numbness. My quest is to continue to follow God’s plan, whatever that might be. As well as continue to use my new heart. The one God gave me. The one that is not stony or stubborn. My heart that is tender and responsive.

God can restore your heart too. He can take away the numb and give it new life. If this is something that resonates with you, email me. I would love to pray for you!


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